SCIENTIFIC PROOF THAT SANTA CLAUS CAN'T EXIST
As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from that of
renown scientific journal SPY magazine (JANUARY, 1990), I am pleased to present the annual
scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.
IS THERE A SANTA CLAUS?
Point #1 - No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living
organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does
not completely rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
Point #2 - There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa
doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, and Buddhist children, that reduces
the workload to 15% of the original total. - 378 million according to the Population
Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8
million homes. One presumes there is at least one good child in each.
Point #3 - Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time
zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming that he travels east to west (which seems
logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each
Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of
the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents
under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into
the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops
are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the
purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per
household, a total trip of 75 1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us
must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc. This means that Santa's sleigh
is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of
comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a
poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
Point #4 - The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each
child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying
321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land,
conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying
reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job
with eight, or even nine reindeer. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload -
not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for purposes of
comparison, this is 4 times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.
Point #5 - 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance.
This will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's
atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. PER
SECOND. EACH. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the
reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer
team will be vaporized within 4.26 THOUSANDTHS of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be
subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa
(which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015
pounds of force.
IN CONCLUSION - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, HE'S DEAD NOW !