VICTIMOLOGY, BY THE #'S

It is the year 2001.

"Hello. This is the headquarters of the American Civil Liberties Union. We are here to help safegaurd your constitutional rights. Please listen carefully to the following choices and then press the appropriate button on your digital telephone. One of our attorneys will be with you shortly." "If you are a welfare recipient who has been denied benefits, press one." "If you have heard any references to religion in the public schools, press two." "If you are a girl who has not been allowed to play on a boy's athletic team, press three." "If you are a defendant in a criminal case and have had an unhappy childhood, press four." "If you are a student who does not want to follow the dress code at your school, press five" "If you have AIDS and don't think that the government has done enough for your benefit, press six." "If you are a member of any racial, ethnic, or cultural minority whose demands have not been met, press seven." BEEP. "Thank you for indicating that you are a member of a racial, ethnic, or cultural minority." "We at the ACLU believe in diversity and are on your side. Our attorneys are here to fight injustices in our racist society. Please select from the following menu of choices." "If you've been fired by a non-minority supervisor, press one." "If you've been fired by a minority supervisor, press two." "If your application for a bank loan was disapproved, press three." "If you were given a traffic ticket by a policeman who seemed to be irritated with you, press four." "If you overheard an ethnic joke, press five." "If you were the first person your employer asked to play on the company's basketball team, press six." "If you were the last person to be invited to join the company's chess team, press seven." "All other injustices, press eight." BEEP "Thank you for indicating that you are a minority woman. That makes you doubly discriminated against. Our attorneys will be able to sue under twice as many laws for twice as much money. By all means stay on the line, and someone will be with you shortly. In the meantime, we will play some music of a non-religious nature, with no military beat, and selected with sensitivity to all minority cultural heritages." (Music:"I am woman.") "Hello, welcome to the American Civil Liberties Union. My name is Forrest Sherwood and I will be your attorney. What is your name please?" Silence. "Will you please give me your name?" "Oh, I'm sorry. I was waiting to hear when to press the buttons." "No this is live now." "Well my name is Mary Wu." "Ah, an Asian-American. We don't get many of those. What injustice did you suffer?" "Well, none actually." "No injustice? In this racist society?" "Nothing that I would consider an injustice." "Are you sure you have the right number? This is the ACLU." "I know. One of your employees dropped her purse in a parking lot and drove off before I could tell her. So I am calling to find out how I can return it."