1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you
just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, "How long can I
keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my
2. If you get one of those pushy people who won't shut up, just listen to their sales
pitch. When they try to close the sale, tell them that you'll need to go get your credit
card. Then, just set the phone down and go do laundry, shopping or whatever. See how long
that commission based scum waits for you to get your credit card.
3. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to
know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care
these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore,
my dog just died...." When they try to get back to the sales process, just continue
on with telling about your problems.
4. If the person says he's Joe Doe from the ABC Company, ask him to spell his name,
then ask him to spell the company name, then ask where it is located. Continue asking
personal questions or questions about the company for as long as necessary.
5. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Julie and
I'm with Dodger & Peck Services.... You: "Hang on a second." (few seconds
pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?"
6. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Julie!! Is this
really you? I can't believe it! Julie, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give
Julie a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could
know you from.
7. Say, "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep
an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going
until they hang up.
8. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply,
in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends...would you be my
9. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood
or HUMAN blood - chicken blood too?"
10. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in
the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or, "That's fascinating."
Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just
tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone who's a complete stranger.
11. Tell them you work for the same company they work for.
Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Widget & Associates."
You: "Widget & Associates!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling
Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas."
You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the
company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."
12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you
will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask
them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the
most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers). If the person says, "Well, I
don't really want to get a call at home," say, "Ya! Now you know how I
feel." (smiling, of course...)