THE FIRST SERMON

THE NEW PRIEST, AT HIS FIRST MASS, WAS SO AFRAID HE COULD HARDLY SPEAK. BEFORE HIS SECOND WEEK IN THE PULPIT, HE ASKED THE MONSEIGNOR HOW HE COULD RELAX. HE SAID FOR HIM TO PUT MARTINIS IN THE WATER PITCHER IN PLACE OF WATER. AFTER A FEW SIPS, HE SAID, EVERYTHING SHOULD GO SMOOTHLY. THE NEXT WEEK, THE YOUNG PRIEST PUT HIS ELDER'S SUGGESTION INTO PRACTICE AND REALLY TALKED UP A STORM. AFTER THE SERMON WAS OVER, HE ASKED THE MONSEIGNOR HOW HE HAD DONE. HE REPLIED, "FINE, BUT THERE ARE A FEW THINGS YOU SHOULD LEARN BEFORE YOU ADDRESS THE CONGREGATION AGAIN."

1. NEXT TIME SIP THE MARTINIS, RATHER THAN GULP THEM DOWN BY THE GLASSFUL.

2. THERE ARE 10 COMMANDMENTS, NOT 12.

3. THERE ARE 12 DISCIPLES, NOT 10.

4. DAVID SLEW GOLIATH. HE DIDN'T "KICK THE SHIT OUT OF HIM."

5. WE DON'T REFER TO OUT SAVIOUR JESUS CHRIST AND HIS DISCIPLES AS "THE LATE J.C. AND THE BOYS."

6. NEXT SUNDAY, THERE WILL BE A TAFFY PULLING CONTEST AT SAINT PETER'S, NOT A PETER PULLING CONTEST AT SAINT TAFFY'S!

7. WE DON'T REFER TO THE CROSS AS "THE BIG T."

8. THE FATHER, SON, AND HOLY SPIRIT ARE NOT REFERRED TO AS "THE BIG DADDY, JUNIOR, AND THE SPOOK."

9. AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST, IT'S THE VIRGIN MARY, NOT "MARY WITH THE CHERRY!"