THE PROPHECIES OF NOSTRADAMUS

These recently re-discovered quatrains, translated from the original Latin, has been interpreted by James Wiseguy, professor of Prophecy, Monash University.

"The battle will be short, and the Shrub will force the Sad Man to back down over the land. Nineteen shall be eight once more." ----- This is clearly a reference to the recent work on my garden by workers from the Mandas Gardening and Landscaping Company. I knew I had been quoted $800, but they insisted on charging me $1900... just goes to show you can't be too careful when getting work done. So, was Nostradamus a representative from the Consumer Affairs department? Possibly.

"The large blackhead will smite the Sad Man to bits." ----- While some believe this to be a reference to General Schwarzkopf (schwarzkopf is German for blackhead), I firmly believe that this refers to the large blackhead that has appeared on my face, which somehow has increased my resolve to get my $1900 back off the gardening people.

"The weather will be generally fine, with a little cloud drifting over from the west in the later part of the afternoon and a few isolated showers in the north." ----- Well, this is obviously Nostradamus' weather forecast. Nuff said. Probably more accurate than one from the Bureau of Meteorology.

"Years from now, a bunch of scumsucking bastards will make a packet of money out of interpreting my forecasts." ----- He was probably right. Oh, look for my new book, "Nostradamus and Me" by James Wiseguy, Capatalist Books Ltd, $49.95. ---------- James Wiseguy