*** I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they
get all nervous and give the wrong answers. -- A Bit of Fry and Laurie
*** A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
*** The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many
kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four
F's": 1. fighting; 2. fleeing; 3. feeding; and 4. mating. -- Psychology professor in
neuropsychology intro course
*** What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the
unnecessary. -- Richard Harkness, The New York Times, 1960
*** Slogan of 105.9, the classic rock radio station in Chicago: "Of all the radio
stations in Chicago ... we're one of them."
*** With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand miles closer to
globular cluster 13 in the constellation Hercules, and still there are some misfits who
continue to insist that there is no such thing as progress. -- Ransom K. Ferm
*** Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
*** Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the
*** The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
*** Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of
training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the
history of the world. -- Dave Barry
*** I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
-- A. Whitney Brown
*** A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their
prejudices. -- William James
*** We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it - and
stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit
down on a hot stove-lid again, and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a
cold one anymore. -- Mark Twain
*** There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets? -- Dick
Cavett, mocking the TV- violence debate
*** If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she
will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.
-- Dave Barry
*** I am sick unto death of obscure English towns that exist seemingly for the sole
accommodation of these so-called limerick writers and even sicker of their residents, all
of whom suffer from physical deformities and spend their time dismembering relatives at
fancy dress balls. -- Editor of the Limerick Times (Limerick, Ireland)
*** When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.
*** Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your
defeats, approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.
*** 668: The Neighbor of the Beast
*** Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. -- Emo Phillips
*** Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
*** Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make
it again. -- F. P. Jones
*** Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience
of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. -- Douglas
Adams, Last Chance to See
*** As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important that you
understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me so much money. What's important is that
you continue to do so. -- Hunter S. Thompson's Samoan Attorney
*** When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the
audience stood up and said, "Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of
the Protestants in whom you don't believe?" -- Quentin Crisp
*** Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating
the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of another. -- Ambrose Bierce, The
*** I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being
told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being sick and tired.
I'm certainly not! But I'm sick and tired of being told that I am! -- Monty Python
*** May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. -- George Carlin
*** Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.
*** Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable.
-- John F. Kennedy
*** Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
*** My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. -- Ashleigh Brilliant
*** Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
*** Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing that way.
*** Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln
would be doing if he were alive today? 1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2.
Advising the President. 3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin. -- David
*** Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, that you
will die either by hanging or of some vile disease". Disraeli replied, "That all
depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress."
*** For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls
taper off. -- Johnny Carson
*** The most important thing in the programming language is the name. A language will not
succeed without a good name. I have recently invented a very good name and now I am
looking for a suitable language. -- D. E. Knuth, 1967
*** A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it.
That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit. -- In the August 1993
issue, page 9 of PS magazine, the Army's magazine of preventive maintenance
*** Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how
hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world. Hobbes: Isn't your pants' zipper
supposed to be in the front?
*** On one occasion a student burst into his office. "Professor Stigler, I don't
believe I deserve this F you've given me." To which Stigler replied, "I agree,
but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to award."
*** Don't worry about temptation--as you grow older, it starts avoiding you. -- Old
*** G: "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?" EB: "Normal
procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide
area." -- Somewhere in No Man's Land, BA4
*** The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled. -- Plutarch
*** The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad. -- Salvador Dali
*** I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always
worked for me.A -- Hunter S. Thompson
*** Sacred cows make the best hamburger. -- Mark Twain
*** "Time's fun when you're having flies." -- Kermit the Frog
*** Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a
voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night." -- Charlie Brown,
_Peanuts_ Charles Schulz
A conference is a gathering of important people who
singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done. -Fred Allen
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take
him in a car he sticks his head out the window. -Steve Bluestone
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster
than you is a moron. -George Carlin
I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at
the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?" -Jay Leno
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just
taken place. -Johnny Carson
Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called
Jump-In-The-Box. -Wil Shriner
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day, you're off
it. -Jackie Gleason
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: no pain, no pain. -Carol Leifer
A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in business. -Shelley
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax...tomorrow you'll be afraid
to cough. -Pearl Williams
Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead.
They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. -Dave Edison
If law school is so hard to get through, how come there are so many lawyers? -Calvin
Guys are lucky because they get to grow mustaches. I wish I could. It's like having a
little pet for your face. -Anita Wise
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced
pain and bought jewelry. -Rita Rudner
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight. -George