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It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
I parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood was gone.
I once put instant coffee in a microwave and went back in time.
I got a dog and named him `Stay'. Now, I go `Come here, Stay!' After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.
I spilled spot remover on my he's gone.
I have a map of the United States, life size. 1 mile equals 1 mile. It's a bitch to fold it.
Last year for Christmas, I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier.... I thought I'd put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
I woke up this morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called information. She said they were behind the couch. She was right.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
I planted some bird seed. A bird grew. Now I don't know what to feed it.
You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.
The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.
I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine.
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.
I have a microwave fireplace in my house...The other night I relaxed in front of the fire for the evening in ten minutes.
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK."

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
"Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes."
Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?" --
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
I had amnesia once or twice.
I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."
I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit gum.
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.
I went to a fancy french restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
What are imitation rhinestones?
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said, "Cut it out."
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child....eventually.
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
I invented the cordless extension cord.
Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."
Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch feels real."
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.

I bought some Powdered water, but didn't know what to add




- After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

- How can there be self-help "groups"?

- If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

- If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?

- If someone has a mid-life crises while playing hide & seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?

- Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them, would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?

- Just "before" someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?

- When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?

- When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

- When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're sitting there, staring at carpeting?

- Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

- Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

- Why do they report power outages on TV?

- I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

- I'm taking Lamaze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing.

- Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories ...

- There's a fine line between fishing & just standing on the shore like an idiot.

- What a nice night for an evening.

- Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

- My girlfriend is weird. She asked me, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?" I said, "No." She said, "Okay, then forget it."

- When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August? Cool!"

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