SOME WORDS THAT SHOULD EXIST
1. ACCORDIONATED (ah kor' de on ay tid) adj. Being able to drive and re fold a road map
at the same time.
2. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub
faucet on and off with your toes.
3. AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa bib' re um) n. The point where the stream of drinking fountain
water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from (a) having to suck the
nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye (or ear).
4. BURGACIDE (burg' uh side) n. When a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls
itself through the grill into the coals.
5. BUZZACKS (buz' aks) n. People in phone marts who walk around picking up display
phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected.
6. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over
a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up,
examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
7. DIMP (dimp) n. A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking,
"Do you work here?"
8. DISCONFECT (dis kon fect') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the
floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will remove all the germs.
9. ECNALUBMA (ek na leb' ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rear
view mirror.
10. EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies
who, no matter which direction you lean in, follow suit.
11. ELBONICS (el bon icks') n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in
a movie theater.
12. ELECELLERATON (el a cel er ay' shun) n. The mistaken notion that the more you press
an elevator button the faster it will arrive.
13. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust
pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and
sweep it under the rug.
14. LACTOMANGULATION (lak to man gyu lay' shun) v. Manhandling the "open
here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the illegal side.
15. NEONPHANCY (ne on' fan see) n. A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life.
16. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems
to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
17. PETROPHOBIC (pet ro fob' ik) adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a
household pet.
18. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting
whom you were calling just as they answer.
19. PUPKUS (pup kus') n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses it nose
to it.
20. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone
ring at least twice before you pick it up, when you're only six inches away.
MORE WORDS THAT SHOULD EXIST
1) Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally
walked through a spider web.
2) Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in
the morning and cannot be cast out.
3) Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from
penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the
near future.
4) Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially
impotent for an indefinite period.
5) Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're
eating.
6) Decaflon (n.) The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things
that are good for you.
7) Dopelar effect (n.) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at
them rapidly.
8) Extraterrestaurant (n.) An eating place where you feel you've been abducted and
experimented upon. Also known as an E-T-ry.
9) Faunacated (adj.) How wildlife ends up when its environment is destroyed. Hence
faunacatering (v.), which has made a meal of many species.
10) Foreploy (n.) Any misrepresentation or outright lie about yourself that leads to
sex.
11) Grantartica (n.) The cold, isolated place where art companies dwell without
funding.
12) Hemaglobe (n.) The bloody state of the world.
13) Intaxication (n.) Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize
it was your money to start with.
14) Kinstirpation (n.) A painful inability to move relatives who come to visit.
15) Lullabuoy (n.) An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from
drifting off to sleep.
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