UNIVERSAL RESUME TRANSLATOR

>"I'm willing to relocate":
> I've just been evicted again.
> - - - - -
>"I have a stable personal life":
> Once I finish with this latest divorce, that is.
> - - - - -
>"I'm extremely professional":
> I have a Day-Timer calendar thingee.
> - - - - -
>"My background and skills match your requirements":
> At that piddling salary, you're lucky to get anyone.
> - - - - -
>"I am adaptable":
> I've changed jobs a lot.
> - - - - -
>"I am always on the go":
> I'm never at my desk.
> - - - - -
>"I'm highly motivated to succeed":
> The minute I find a better job, I'm outta here.
> - - - - -
>"I have formal training":
> My probation officer says I'm a natural student.
> - - - - -
>"I interact well with all co-workers":
> All those sexual harassment charges were a sham.
> - - - - -
>"I have a pleasant phone manner with lots of experience":
> I'm always making personal telephone calls.
> - - - - -
>"I look forward to hearing from you soon":
> Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form
> letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in
> my future career.