ACTUAL EMERGENCY ROOM VISITS

Here are some highlights of ER admissions to Chicago General over the past year:

A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted suicide. The man had swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and a fifth of vodka. When asked about the bruises about his head and chest he said that they were from him ramming himself into the wall in an attempt to make the nitroglycerin explode.

A 50-year old woman came into the ER with a complaint of mild abdominal pain. During the pelvic exam, the doctor found that the lady had inserted a whole chicken, piece by piece, into her vagina. She then safety-pinned her labia shut. Unable to have children, she was hoping that the chicken would turn into a baby.

An elderly woman came into the ER complaining: "I got the green vines in my virginny". The pelvic exam verified that she did, indeed, have a six inch vine growing out of her vagina. Further inspection revealed that she had a mass in her vaginal vault. It was easily removed and looked very much like a potato. Further study revealed that it was, indeed, a potato. The patient said that her uterus was falling out and that she "put a potato in there to hold it up" and then had forgotten about it.

A man in his mid-fifties did a Loraina Bobbit on himself. The urologist thought that he could reattach the mans genitalia if it could be recovered and was in good condition. The police were dispatched to the man's house and the search was on. During the search, one of the officers heard a choking sound coming from the man's poodle. After a brief struggle, the officer was able to retrieve the man's jewels from the dog's mouth. After inspection of the parts by the urologist, it was decided that the man would need to be taught how to urinate in while sitting. The officer was given a commendation from his precinct for medical assistance.

A young intern was asked to assist with a Spanish woman who was actively in labor. Wanting to tell the woman to "Push", he started yelling "Puta! Puta! Puta!" At this, the grandmother started to cry and the baby's father had to be restrained. What the doctor should have been saying was "Puja!" (Push!). Instead, he was saying "Whore! Whore! Whore!"

An unconscious 36-year old male was brought to the ER in a cocaine induced seizure. As a nurse pulled back his foreskin to insert a foley catheter, a neatly folded twenty dollar bill fell out of the foreskin fold. When the man awakened, he demanded to leave. The nurse gave him back his belongings and told him where she had found the money. His response: "Yo, bitch, that was a new $100!"

The most nonemergent ER visit: A male adolescent came in at 2 A.M. with a complaint of belly button lint.

A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to the hospital. After about thirty minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts, the old lady was pronounced dead. The doctor went to tell the lady's 78-year old daughter that her "Mother didn't make it". "Didn't make it? Where could they be? She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!"

A 15-year old boy was laying on a stretcher with his mother sitting next to him. The boy was coming down from "crank" (methamphetamine) that he had injected into his veins. He was sharing his needles with his friends. Concerned about this, the doctor asked the boy if there was anything alse he might be doing to put him at risk for AIDS. The boy thought for a while then said , "I've been fucking the dog?"

A 19-year old female was asked why she was in the ER. She said that she and her boyfriend were having sex and the condom came off and she wasn't able to retrieve it with her fingers. "I went to the bathroom and gagged myself to vomit but couldn't vomit it up either."

A woman with shortness on breath and who weighted approximately 500 lbs was dragged into the ER on a tarp by six firemen. While trying to undress the lady, an asthma inhaler fell out of one of the folds under her arm. After an X-ray showed a round mass on the left side of her chest her massive left breast was lifted to find a shiny new dime. And last, but not least-- during a pelvic exam a TV remote control was discovered in one of the folds of her crotch. She became known as "The Human Couch".

More emergency room visits - not necessarily Chicago general

AUGUSTA, ME - Four people were injured in a string of bizarre accidents.  Sherry Moeller was admitted with a head wound caused by flying masonry, Tim Vegas was diagnosed with a mild case of whiplash and contusions on his chest, arms and face, Bryan Corcoran suffered torn gum tissue, and Pamela Klesick's first two fingers of her right hand had been bitten off. Moeller had just dropped her husband off for his first day of work and, in addition to a good-bye kiss, she flashed her breasts at him "I'm still not sure why I did it," she said later. "I was really close to the car, so I didn't think anyone would see. Besides, it couldn't have been for more than two seconds." However, cab driver Vegas did see and lost control of his cab, running over the curb and into the corner of the Johnson Medical Building.  Inside, Klesick, a dental technician, was cleaning Corcoran's teeth. The crash of the cab against the building making her jump, tearing Corcoran's gums with a cleaning pick. In  shock, he bit down, severing two fingers from Klesick's hand. Moeller's  wound was caused by a falling piece of the medical building.