MATT GROENING ON MEN AND WOMEN
GOING OUT: When a man says he is ready to go out, it
means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL
be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earrings, finishes putting on her makeup...
CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick
cats.
OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist
appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret
fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the
house.
LOW BLOWS: Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One of the
boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says, "Oh, gee. That must have hurt."
The man groans and doubles over, and actually FEELS the pain.
DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage,
answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
DAVID LETTERMAN: Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the Earth.
Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.
LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing
he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will
do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside
out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect
to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old
episodes of "Love, American Style."
WEDDINGS: When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men
talk about "the bachelor party".
SOCKS: Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweat socks. Women wear strange
socks. Socks that are cut way below the ankles, that have pictures of clouds, that have a
big fuzzy ball on the back.
NICKNAMES: If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each
other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a
brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla,
Peanut-Head and Useless.
EATING OUT: ... and when the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20
bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none
will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the
pocket calculators.
MIRRORS: Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror. Women are ridiculous;
they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface:mirrors, spoons, store windows,
Joe Garagiola's head.
MENOPAUSE: When a woman reached menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated
emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes
varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction -- he buys
aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a
Porsche.
THE TELEPHONE: Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to
send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and
upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
DIRECTIONS: If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings,
she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of
weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for
hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get
there." and, "I know I'm in the general neighborhood. I recognize that 7-11
store."
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