DOG HUMOR

TOP 15 REASONS TO OWN A CAT OVER A DOG
15. Cats purr. Dogs drool.
14. Cats rub your leg when they want affection, not when they're horny.
13. Cats use a litter box. Dogs use your leg.
12. In 1996, over 10,000 US deaths were attributed to a dog owner's choking on saliva during morning wakeup licks.
11. Cats always land on their feet. Dogs just won't let you throw them.
10. Cats let you kick them when you're stressed out.
9. Cats will wait until you've read your morning paper before tearing it to shreds.
8. Cats look cute sleeping on the TV. Dogs just crash right in front of the screen.
7. Fewer cat owners suffer from 'Flappy Tail' lacerations than dog owners.
6. No one has ever had to "Beware of the Cat".
5. Cats bury their crap. Dogs dig up others'.
4. Cats have better things to do than stick their nose in your crotch.
3. Cats lay on the car in the heat. Dogs in heat lay the car.
2. Why do you think they call it, "Dog Breath?"
1. Garfield. Odie. Enough said.
Thanks Johan Lindstrom

HOW DOGS AND WOMEN ARE ALIKE
Both look stupid in hats.
Both can eat 5 pounds of chocolate in one sitting.
Both tend to have "hip" problems.
Neither understand football.
Both look good in a fur coat.
Both are good at pretending that they're listening to every word you say.
Neither believe that silence is golden.
Both constantly want back rubs.
You can never tell what either of them is thinking.
Both put too much value on kissing.

HOW WOMEN ARE BETTER THAN DOGS
It is socially acceptable to have sexual relations with a woman.
Women look good in sweaters.
Women leave the room to fart.
Though they only have two, women's breasts are far more interesting.

MIND GAMES DOGS PLAY WITH HUMANS

1. After your humans give you a bath, DON'T LET THEM TOWEL DRY YOU! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is especially good if it's right before your humans bedtime.

2. Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they think you have caused. (Note: This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.)

3. Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. Then the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they're talking about.

4. Make your humans be patient. When you go outside to go 'pee', sniff around the entire yard as your humans wait. Act as if the spot you choose to go pee will ultimately decide the fate of the earth.

5. Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the busiest, most visible spot to go 'poo'. Take your time and make sure everyone watches. This works particularly well if your humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag.

6. When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a strange human walks by.

7. Make your own rules. Don't always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while.

8. Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don't greet them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible has happened to you. (Don't reappear until one of your humans is panic-stricken and close to tears).

9. When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.

10. Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off and make the humans take you out for your morning pee. As soon as you get back inside, fall asleep. (Humans can rarely fall back asleep after going outside, this will drive them nuts!)