HARD DRIVE TECHNICAL MANUAL
I once unpacked a hard drive shipped from Bubba's in Louisiana, and it
arrived with this article in the packaging. No kidding!
IMPORTANT! READ THIS BEFORE USING YOUR NEW DEVICE
Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would
give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you undoubtedly will
destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver.
Which is why we ask you to:
PLEASE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY
UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED
WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO
YOUR VIDEO CASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS
FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE
FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?!?
We're sorry. We just get a little crazy sometimes because we're always getting back
"defective" merchandise where it turns out that the consumer inadvertently
bathed the device in acid for six days. So, in writing these instructions, we naturally
tend to assume that your skull is filled with dead insects, but we mean nothing by it. OK?
Now let's talk about:
1. UNPACKING THE DEVICE
The device is encased in foam to protect it from the Shipping People, who like nothing
more than to jab spears into outgoing boxes. PLEASE INSPECT THE CONTENTS CAREFULLY FOR
GASHES OR IDA MAE BARKER'S ENGAGEMENT RING, WHICH SHE LOST LAST WEEK, AND SHE THINKS MAYBE
IT WAS WHILE SHE WAS PACKING DEVICES. Ida Mae really wants that ring back, because it is
her only proof of engagement, and her fiancee, Stuart, is now seriously considering
backing out on the whole thing in as much as he had consumed most of a bottle of Jim Beam
in Quality Control when he decided to pop the question. It is not without irony that Ida
Mae's last name is "Barker", if you get our drift.
WARNING: DO NOT EVER AS LONG AS YOU LIVE THROW AWAY THE BOX OR ANY OF THE PIECES OF
STYROFOAM, EVEN THE LITTLE ONES SHAPED LIKE PEANUTS.
If you attempt to return the device to the store, and you are missing one single peanut,
the store personnel will laugh in the chilling manner exhibited by Joseph Stalin just
after he enslaved Eastern Europe.
Besides the device, the box should contain:
* Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING"
* A little plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two club-ended
6/93 inch boxcar prawns.
YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram cable. IF ANYTHING IS
DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your spouse and say "Margaret, you
know why this country can't make a car that can get all the way through the drive-through
at Burger King without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's
WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret. And not Pete.
2. PLUGGING IN THE DEVICE
The plug on this device represents the latest thinking of the electrical industry's Plug
Mutation Group, which, in a continuing effort to prevent consumers from causing hazardous
electrical current to flow through their appliances, developed the Three-Pronged Plug,
then the Plug Where One Prong is Bigger Than the Other. Your device is equipped with the
revolutionary new Plug Whose Prongs Consist of Six Small Religious Figurines Made of
DO NOT TRY TO PLUG IT IN!
Lay it gently on the floor near an outlet, but out of direct sunlight, and clean it weekly
with a damp handkerchief.
WARNING: WHEN YOU ARE LAYING THE PLUG ON THE FLOOR, DO NOT HOLD A SHARP OBJECT IN YOUR
OTHER HAND AND TRIP OVER THE CORD AND POKE YOUR EYE OUT, AS THIS COULD VOID THE WARRANTY.
3. OPERATION OF THE DEVICE
WARNING: WE MANUFACTURE ONLY THE ATTRACTIVE DESIGNER CASE. THE ACTUAL WORKING CENTRAL
PARTS OF THE DEVICE ARE MANUFACTURED IN JAPAN. THE INSTRUCTIONS WERE TRANSLATED BY MRS.
SHIRLEY PELTWATER OF ACCOUNTS RECEIVABLE, WHO HAS NEVERACTUALLY BEEN TO JAPAN BUT DOES
HAVE MOST OF "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.
INSTRUCTIONS: For results that can be the finest, it is our advising that: NEVER to hold
these buttons two times!! Except the battery. Next taking the (something) earth section
may cause a large occurrence! However. If this is not a trouble, such rotation is a very
maintenance action, as a kindly (something) wirepoint from Drawing B.
Be it hereby known that this device, together with but not excluding all those certain
parts thereunto, shall be warranted against all defects, failures and malfunctions as
shall occur between now and Thursday afternoon shortly before 2, during which time the
Manufacturer will, at no charge to the Owner, send the device to our Service People, who
will emerge from their caves and engage in rituals designed to cleanse it of evil spirits.
This warranty does not cover the attractive designer case.
WARNING: IT MAY BE A VIOLATION OF SOME LAW THAT MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER HAS
"SHOGUN" ON TAPE.