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"From The Top 5 List, -- Copyright 1999, Chris White"

The Top 22 Signs It's Time to Abandon Your Space Station

22. Breakfast, lunch & dinner, every day-Van DeCamp's Pork and Beans in a tube.
21. Ship's computer calmly says, "I don't know what air leak you're talking about, Comrade Dave."
20. Space station's warranty expired 3,834,621 miles ago.
19. The damage is repairable, but ever since the collision, "Comrade Wussky" has been shrieking nonstop.
18. Tang and Stoli screwdrivers have lost their kick.
17. After several days of low oxygen, you're starting to give serious consideration to Cosmonaut Andrei's offer to join the "Hundred Mile  High" club.
16. That last little collision not only set off the emergency warning, it ruined the last of your clean boxer shorts.
15. The link to the "O" drive is severed.
14. Space walk reveals giant Yugo logo on outer hull.
13. Russian cosmonauts to be replaced with Richard Simmons and Gilbert Gottfried.
12. Robot keeps flailing its arms about and crying, "Danger, danger! Will Robinson!"
11. Antenna mishap locks TV on The Nashville Network.
10. After three labor intensive weeks, you still can't get the damn left turn signal to go off.
9. Mission commander shaves head, starts saying "make it so" every couple of hours.
8. Mission Control is dialing the Microsoft help desk.
7. Those damn Heaven's Gater's won't stop ringing the doorbell.
6. James T. Kirk just beamed aboard and he looks really pissed about something.
5. Remaining living space is being rapidly consumed by free America On-Line diskettes.
4. Cosmonaut goes for spacewalk with 20-pound sledgehammer to "fix that damned oxygen tank once and for all."
3. Old ladies swatting at you with rakes from their roof tops.
2. It's down to just you and Sigourney Weaver.

...and the Number One Sign It's Time to Abandon Your Space Station...

1. You just used the last of the duct tape.

Forgive me rabbi for I have sinned.  It's been 27 years since my last confession.1 On March 8th, 1999, I received notification that several of my humor documents were "From The Top 5 List, -- Copyright 1999, Chris White"  For a couple of years I have been a fan of Chris White and his Top 5 List.  I also regret to announce that far too many hours of my life have been spent at his web site.  Do I regret it?  Of course not, it's a great website with hilarious content.  So, to help make up for the time I incorrectly took credit for his copywritten material, I'd like to ask everyone reading this to check out his will not regret it !!  Go to !!

1 (Plagiarizing, humor thief Brian Mirsky just happens to be 27 years old.)

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