MICROSOFT TO ACQUIRE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT
REDMOND, Wash. - Oct. 21, 1997 -- In direct response to accusations made
by the Department of Justice, the Microsoft Corp. announced today that it will be
acquiring the federal government of the United States of America for an undisclosed sum.
"It's actually a logical extension of our planned growth", said Microsoft
chairman Bill Gates, "It really is going to be a positive arrangement for
Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the oval office of the White House with U.S.
President Bill Clinton, and assured members of the press that changes will be
"minimal". The United States will be managed as a wholly owned division of
Microsoft. An initial public offering is planned for July of next year, and the federal
government is expected to be profitable by "Q4 1999 at latest", according to
Microsoft president Steve Balmer.
In a related announcement, Bill Clinton stated that he had "willingly and
enthusiastically" accepted a position as a vice president with Microsoft, and will
continue to manage the United States government, reporting directly to Bill Gates. When
asked how it felt to give up the mantle of executive authority to Gates, Clinton smiled
and referred to it as "a relief". He went on to say that Gates has a
"proven track record", and that U.S. citizens should offer Gates their
"full support and confidence".
Clinton will reportedly be earning several times the $200,000 annually he has earned as
U.S. president, in his new role at Microsoft.
Gates dismissed a suggestion that the U.S. Capitol be moved to Redmond as
"silly", though did say that he would make executive decisions for the U.S.
government from his existing office at Microsoft headquarters. Gates went on to say that
the House and Senate would "of course" be abolished. "Microsoft isn't
a democracy", he observed, "and look how well we're doing."
When asked if the rumored attendant acquisition of Canada was proceeding, Gates said,
"We don't deny that discussions are taking place". Microsoft representatives
closed the conference by stating that United States citizens will be able to expect lower
taxes, increases in government services and discounts on all Microsoft products.
Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ "MSFT") is the worldwide leader in software
for personal computers, and democratic government. The company offers a wide range of
products and services for public, business and personal use, each designed with the
mission of making it easier and more enjoyable for people to take advantage of the full
power of personal computing and free society every day.
About the United States
Founded in 1789, the United States of America is the most successful nation in the history
of the world, and has been a beacon of democracy and opportunity for over 200 years.
Headquartered in Washington, D.C., the United States is a wholly owned subsidiary of