From Barbie to Santa:
Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the
perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in
fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S
DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME!
There had better be some changes around here this
Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be
around to smell it). So, here's my holiday wish list for 1997, Santa.
1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy,
oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these
bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro
crawling up your butt?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably
white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD
imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!
3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo
over that wimped-out excuse for a boytoy Ken. And what's with
that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at
least make him (and me) anatomically correct.
4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned
Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.
5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you
have to twist, just get it done.
6. A jogbra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't
cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public
relations senior account exec!
8. A new, more 90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie",
complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie
dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own
pain gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat, bottle of spray on blood and handcuffs; or
"Stop Smoking Barbie," sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with
several packs of gum.
9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking
10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years--I think I
Ok, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think
these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bitch
for next Christmas. It's that simple.