10. You get a threatening note made up of letters cut out of a magazine with pinking
shears, and they're all the same size, the same font, and precisely lined up in
9. That tell-tale lemon slice in the dog's water bowl.
8. On her show she makes a gingerbread house that looks
exactly like your split-level, right down to the fallen-over licorice downspout and the
stuck half-open graham cracker garage door.
7. You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite
tarragon, rose petal and saffron demi-glace, with pecan-crusted hearts of palm and a
delicate mint-fennel sauce.
6. The unmistakable aroma of potpourri follows you even
after you leave the bathroom.
5. You discover that every napkin in the entire house has
been folded into a swan.
4. No matter where you eat, your place setting always
includes an oyster fork.
3. Twice this week you've been the victim of a drive-by
2. You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and endive
stuffing in every orifice.
and the Number 1 Sign You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart:
1. You awaken one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely
at your temple.