In a recent contest, The Washington Post asked readers to
dream up new elements for the Periodic Table. Among the best:
Limbaughium Lb - The heaviest known element. It
possesses an ever-expanding mass. Very white. Acidic. Emits heat but no light. Instantly
polarizes all elements that come in contact with it. Repels protons and electrons;
attracts only morons.
Billclintium Bc - With a slick appearance and slimy texture, this element
undergoes a series of interesting changes when in hot water.
Canadium Eh - Similar to Americium, but a little denser. Much more rigid.
Often called Boron.
Innofensium Pc - Precisely equal numbers of electrons, protons, neutrons,
leptons, quarks. Completely inert, utterly useless, but smells like a rose.
Newtium Sh - Extreme irritant. Carries a strong negative charge. Does not
possess magnetic properties. Can be purchased cheaply.
Quaylium Vp - Einsteinium it ain't.
Budweisium Ps - Has no taste or smell; is often indistinguishable from
Cabmium Cb - Found in abundance, except when needed. Exists in two states,
in motion and at rest. When in motion, it cannot be stopped, no matter what you do.
Cabmium has a charge associated with it. The charge is variable, and scientists have not
determined the formula for calculating it.
Politicium Po - Contains a great deal of gas. Similar to radon in that it
can reach lethal concentrations in the House.
Congress Cg - Atomic number 525. Can never be found in a solution.
Snot Sn - Self explanatory