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ANOTHER NEW VIRUS
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
NEW VIRUS WARNING !!! PLEASE READ ENTIRE MESSAGE !!!
If you see a message on the internet with a subject line of "Hardluck,"
delete it immediately WITHOUT reading it. This is the most dangerous virus yet. It will
re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even
close to your computer (20' range at 72 degrees Fahrenheit). It will recalibrate your
refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream melts and milk curdles. It will
demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, reprogram your ATM access code, screw up
the tracking on your VCR and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to
play. It will give your ex-boy/girlfriend your new phone number. It will program your
phone auto-dial to call only your mother's number. It will mix antifreeze into your fish
tank. It will drink all your beer and leave its dirty socks on the coffee table when
there's company coming over. It will hide your car keys when you are late for work and
interfere with your car radio so that you hear 1940's hits and static while stuck in
traffic. "Hardluck" will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with
Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their
hotel rendezvous to your Visa card. It will rewrite your back-up files, changing all
your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which
grossly change the interpretation of key sentences. "Hardluck" will give
you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up and leave the hairdryer plugged in
dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will wantonly remove the forbidden tags from your
mattresses and pillows, and exchange your skim milk for whole. It is insidious and subtle.
It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.
These are just a few signs. Be very, very afraid.
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