The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway.

You were born somewhere else.

You know how to eat artichokes & avacados.

The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic.

Your car has bulletproof windows.

Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income.

You can't find your other earring because your son is wearing it.

You drive to your neighborhood block party.

Your family tree contains "significant others".

Your cat has it's own psychiatrist.

You don't exterminate your roaches, you smoke them.

You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance.

More than clothes come out of the closets.

You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach.

Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse.

More money is spent on facelifts than on diapers.

When you can't schedule a meeting because you must "do lunch".

Your children learn to walk in Birkenstocks.

Rainstorms or thunder are the lead story for the local news.

You'll reluctantly miss yoga class to wait for the hottub repairman.