1. If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to
clean all the guns today.
2. When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. Can't get off
the john, but I feel good about it.
3. I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour
Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday
(right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity
of the power source exactly e*log (pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my
dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.
4. My stigmata's acting up.
5. I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired
me for not showing up for work. OK?
6. I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline
7. I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.
8. Yes, I seem to have contracted some sort of attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how
about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be
sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
9. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
10. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work
knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
11. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw
restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
12. The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
13. I prefer to remain an enigma.
14. My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her
coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do
15. I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is
completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.
16. I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
17. I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
18. I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter tax. I
insist on paying my fair share.