"Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."

"How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?"

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."

"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell 'til I met you."

"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What the heck was I thinking?"

"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."

"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."

"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."

"Thanks for being a part of my life!!! I never knew what evil was before this!"

"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, I would like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."

"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."

"Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with boobs that are bigger than mine."

"Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike!"

"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."

"We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits."

"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."

"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"

"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."

"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday--- so we're having you put to sleep."

"Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!"

1. So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day... Look at the bright side, she's a really good lay.

2. My tire was thumping.... I thought it was flat.... when I looked at the tire.... I noticed your cat... Sorry

3. You had your bladder removed and you're on the mends.... here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.

4. You've announced that you're gay, won't that be a laugh, when they find out you're one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

5. Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! 'Cause when I had mine I got real snippy.

6. Heard your wife left you... How upset you must be... But don't fret about it .... She moved in with me

7. Your computer is dead... it was once so alive.... Do you regret installing Win 95?

8. You totalled your car... and can't remember why... could it have been... that case of Bud Dry?