Excerpted from the book "A Collection of Personal Ads From Alternative
Newspapers," by Skippy Williams and Zohre Crumpton, 1996, Simon and Schuster:
Bitter, unsuccessful middle aged loser wallowing in an unending sea of inert, drooping
loneliness looking for 24 year old needy leech-like hanger-on to abuse with dull stories,
tired sex and Herb Alpert albums.
Me--trying to sleep on the bus station bench, pleading with you to give me a cigarette;
you--choking on my odor, tripping over your purse trying to get away; at the last moment,
our eyes meeting. Yours were blue. Can I have a dollar?
Imp and angel. Disembodied head in jar, 24, seeks pixie goddess to fiddle with while
Rome burns. You bring marshmallows. No. I make joke. You like laugh? I like comebacks and
confessions. Send photo of someone else.
I am spitting kitty. Ftt Fttttttt. I am angry bear. Grrrrr. I am large watermelon seed
stuck in your nose. Zermmmmmmmmmm. I am small biting spider in your underwear. Yub yub
yub. No mimes.
Three toed mango peeler searching for wicked lesbian infielder. Like screaming and
marking territory with urine? Let's make banana enchiladas together in my bathtub. You
bring the salsa.
Mongoloid spastic underwear model with extra limb (you guess where?) in search of
bottlenosed dolphin and extra prickly cactus juice. Soup is good food.
Angry, simple-minded, balding, partially blind ex-circus flipper boy with a passion for
covering lovers in sour cream and gravy seeks exotic, heavily tattooed piercing fanatic,
preferably hairy, either sex, for whippings, bizarre sex and fashion consulting. No
freaks.
I like eating mayonnaise and peanut butter sandwiches in the rain, watching Barney
Miller reruns, peeing on birds in the park and licking strangers on the subway; you eat
beets raw, have climbed Kilimanjaro, and sweat freely and often. Must wear size five
shoes.
Timber! Falling downward is the lumber of my love. You grind your axe of passion into
my endangered headlands. Don't make me into a bureau. I want to be lots and lots of
toothpicks.
Small lumpy squid monkey seeks healthy woman with no identifying scars, any age. Must
have all limbs. Recommend appreciation of high-pitched, screeching noises. Must like being
bored and lonely. Must not touch the squids, EVER.
Mmmm Pez! Rabid Wonder Woman fan looking for someone in satin tights, fighting for our
rights and the old red, white 'n blue. You look like Linda Carter? Big plus. Know all
words to theme song? Marry me.
Remember that summer you spent with your parents in Hawaii and how mad you were that
they made you go? And how you were hopelessly bored until you saw the most gorgeous man
you'd ever encountered strolling down the beach looking at you, skillfully removing your
skimpy bikini with his piercing eyes? And how you spent the last month imagining him
taking you in every possible way, masturbating feverishly day and night, wishing he would
reappear, but he never did because you were 15 and he would have gone to jail? That was
me, and you just turned 18.
