Dear Diary, I'm so excited! Just got a job as an intern at the White House.... and I
don't know a thing about medicine. Don't even know what my duties are yet, but I hope it's
a "hands on" position.
Dear Diary, You won't believe this! I snuck into the Oval Office when no one was
looking. But then I dropped one of my contact lenses. So, I got down on my hands and knees
and was looking for it when -- guess what -- the President walked in. He said, "You
must be the new intern." That man is psychic! I hope he likes me.
Dear Diary, I think the President likes me. Today he dropped his contacts on the rug
and asked me to find them. We looked all over for them, and you'll never believe where
they turned up.And the most embarrassing thing was, he was the one who found them.
Dear Diary, He really likes me.
Dear Diary, I have been sent to the stupid Pentagon to work. It is such a drag. Like
they're going to put me in charge of heat-seeking missles or something. But I still talk
to my Bubba-cakes on the phone. He calls me "1-900-Monica." (That means he
thinks I'm one in nine hundred. That's pretty special.)
Dear Diary, I met a really nice girl today. Her name is Linda. She's really cool except
for that clown hair. Has she ever heard the word "conditioner?" She looks like
Mrs. Ronald McDonald.
Dear Diary, I think Linda is hard of hearing. She keeps asking me to speak louder
whenever we go out for a quiet dinner.
Dear Diary, Oh-oh. The bad news: I've been subpoenaed. The good news is that Vernon
Jordan is my new best friend.I'm going job hunting with him tomorrow.
Dear Diary, I had to give an affidavit in that stupid Paula Jones' case. What is she
talking about? There are no distinguishing marks. And, by the way, I am way cuter than
her. She looks like David Brenner in drag.
Dear Diary, I've had it. I'm never going to be an intern again. I'm going back to
Hollywood where they pay you for that kind of work.
Dear Diary, Finally got home to L.A. and hugged Daddy so hard I thought I would
pop.It's the first time in six months I called a man "daddy" that I was actually
Dear Diary, It is so totally fabulous being back in Brentwood where they really
understand me. O.J. stopped by -- he said not to worry because, "If there's no spot
on the dress, it's anybody's guess."
Dear Diary, All my girlfriends are so jealous of all the attention I'm getting from
Kenneth Starr. I think they have a subpoena envy. And Linda Tripp--I hate her. I'm
thinking of selling a Linda Doll. You wind it up and it stabs a Barbie doll in the back.
Dear Diary, Got to remember to tell Bubba-cakes my totally do-able solution to this
whole wacky Iraqi crisis. He forgets that I worked at the Pentagon. Just have Vernon
Jordan get Saddam Wahtsisname a job at Revlon. (Like, reallly, it's a no brainer!)
Dear Diary, They keep asking me if I had sexual relations with the President. I mean,
give me a break. That is so crazy. I mean, just because everyday, when I worked at the
White House, his name was at the top of my "To Do" list.
Dear Diary, Sometimes I wish some of the other girls who were in my position would
stand up and be counted. But they might hit their heads on the President's desk if they
Dear Diary, They keep talking about immunity... like I caught something from the
President or something. The truth is, there was always a secret service man outside the
Oval Office protecting us. Now, that's what I call safe sex!
Dear Diary, Omigod. Mom and I are both going to the grand jury. What is that about
anyway? Sounds like some big hotel. Anyway, I guess I shouldn't have told mom about taking
dictation in the Oval Office. Me and my big mouth!
Dear Diary, I'm not really worried. I've got offers to do some really cool movies that
are going straight to video and starring me! The Full Monica, a sequel to In And Out, A
Pack-O-Lips Now, Wag the Willy and my most favorite: Good Bill Humping. I hope Spielberg