Do you remember middle school/junior high/high school? If so, do you remember talking about 'the bases' with your friends? "Yeah man, at the dance, X and Y went behind the gym and they got to second base!" Well that was cool and all, but what the hell was second base? Tongue kissing? Up the shirt? No one was really sure. Also, the bases tended to get progressively more intense as you got older. What's a person to do? Here, we mourn the passing of using baseball ananlogies to describe sexual activity. But let's face it, there are more than four stages in today's day and age of sex play. So, in the interests of both bringing baseball sex metaphors in line with the complications of modern romance and with standardizing the bases, we present the Standardized Guide to the Bases.

First, let's examine what the bases could have meant in the old days:

-- First Base --

This was almost always kissing, although one guy I knew thought it meant holding hands. Sometimes it was tongue kissing and sometimes not.

--Second Base --

Variously this meant tongue kissing, breast feeling, or outside the clothes genital contact.

--Third Base --

Usually this was a hand down the pants of you or your partner.

--Home Run --

This was ALWAYS sex, although it was rarely reached in the times when you had to refer to it in terms of bases.

Well, that system is ok, if you are a young teenager with a repressed sex drive. But what happens when you reach maturity and new factors enter the equation, such as oral sex? And what about the exact definitions? Well we have attempted to answer such puzzling questions and present without further ado:

The Standardized Guide to the Bases!

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On Deck -- Having plans for a date

Strike-Out -- Duh!!

Walk -- Kissing

Bunt -- Masturbation

Single -- Tongue kissing

Double -- Breasts/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of grabbing and feels

Triple -- Most of the clothes off, genital contact, mutual masturbation

Inside-the-park Home Run -- Oral Sex

Home Run -- SEX!

Ground Rule Double -- Would have sex, but no condom

Error -- Condom breaks during sex

Banned for Life for Gambling -- Sex without condom

Hall of Fame -- Marriage

Now that we've got the basics, let's introduce some terms to better explain all the things that can happen now-a-days:

Balk -- Premature ejaculation

Pine Tar -- KY jelly

Relief pitcher -- Vibrator

Rain Delay -- Parents/roommate return home unexpectedly

Box Seats -- Waterbed

Seventh Inning Stretch -- Unusual positions

Rookie -- Virgin

Minor Leagues -- Under 18

Loaded Bases -- Manage a trois

Grand Slam -- Sex three times in twelve hours

Foul tip -- VD

Three up and three down -- Impotency

Now that we have the definitions, lets quickly contrast the old confusion with current clarity:

OLD WAY- We um got to third base I guess and then we um got like past third base, but not to home plate. I really like her.

NEW WAY- First, there was a triple, then we got an inside the park home run, and started thinking, it's hall of fame time.

NEW WAY- So there I was with the bases loaded and nobody out, when I balked during the seventh inning stretch and I had to call in a relief pitcher.

Well, there you have it. I hope it has cleared up any confusion in the area.