"Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to
switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside
the plane till we land...it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects
the flight pattern."
After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope
you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the
overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the Captain was really having
to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and
announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats
with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the
Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his
ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first
officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a
"Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he
had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a
smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking
with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no,
Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did
we land or were we shot down?"
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on
with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the
Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the
tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can
pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.
Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to
thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go
blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at
Here are some supposedly true humorous statements by several airline flights crews.
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety
lecture" a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or
"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are
fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this
"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency
water landing, please take them with our compliments."
"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a
member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane."
"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the
lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."
As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of
the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head steward
announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance
system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats
until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as
they leave the aircraft."
A frequent line used at the end of a flight is, "Our flight attendants are now
walking through the aisles with trash receptacles for any garbage you might have or
anything else that you might wanna give us!"
Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude
now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can
come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes
over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!"
"Should the cabin loose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area.
Please, place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults
acting like children."
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please, do
not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
"If you are so lucky to be traveling with small children..."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the
best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately none of them are on this
This is an actual joke I heard on Southwest Airlines, just after a very hard landing in
Salt Lake City, one of the most bone jarring I've experienced; The steward came on the
intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm
here to tell you it wasn't the airlines fault, it wasn't the pilots fault, it wasn't the
flight attendants fault.......it was the asphalt!"
From a Southwest Airlines employee..."Welcome aboard Southwest Flight , to YYY. To
operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just
like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably
shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure,
oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it
over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask
before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now
which one you love more. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds,
but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves
you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."