In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.

Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects - sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Social Engagements

You stay by her side the entire party............................. 0

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy............................................ -2

Named Tiffany..................................................... -4

Tiffany is a dancer............................................... -6

Tiffany has implants.............................................. -8

When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her lovingly................................................... +1

When mingling, you introduce her as "the ol' ball and chain" and pat her on the rump........................................... -5

When she points out a hot-looking woman and asks if you think she's pretty, you say, "Yes, but nowhere near as pretty as you"......... +1

When she points to a woman and asks if you think she's pretty, you say, "Yeah, but don't worry, she's lousy in bed".................. -6

That woman is her sister.......................................... -90

You have one drink, and that's it................................. 0

You have more than a few and perform the tango with a poodle...... -2

You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted.... -18

Saturday Afternoon

You go to the mall together....................................... +3

You go to the mall, drop her off in front, then park the car....... +4

Then drive to a sports bar........................................ -2

You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it... +3

You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a sectional.. 0

You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk............. +3

Most of it chips and beer.................... -6

You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den.... +15

Or refinishing the floors......................................... +19

Or rewiring the basement.......................................... +21

Or adding a second floor.......................................... +25

Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket...... -6

And you're tickled pink about it.................................. -15

You visit her parents............................................. +1

You visit her parents and actually make conversation.............. +3

You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television........ -3

And the television is off......................................... -6

You spend the afternoon watching football in your underwear....... -6

And you didn't even go to college................................. -10

Drinking beer .................................................... -12

And it's not your underwear....................................... -15

Her Birthday

You take her out to dinner........................................ 0

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar.............. +1

Okay, it is a sports bar.......................................... -2

And it's all-you-can-eat night.................................... -3

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team.......................... -10

You go to a nice, pricey restaurant and hire a guitar player...... +3

You get up and sing.............................................. +4

And you stink..................................................... +2

And you're not half bad........................................... +5

You sing an AC/DC song, and you're escorted out to much applause.. -2

You give her a gift............................................... 0

It's a power tool................................................. -20

It's a small appliance............................................ -10

It's not a small appliance........................................ +1

It's not a chocolate.............................................. +2

A gift that you'll be paying off for months....................... +30

You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day........ -10

With her credit card.............................................. -30

And whatever you bought is two sizes too big...................... -40

And you leave the sale price on................................... -50

Thoughtfulness

You forget her birthday completely................................ -10

You forget your anniversary....................................... -20

You forget to pick her up at the airport.......................... -25

Which is in Newark, New Jersey.................................... -35

And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast....................... -50

A Night Out With The Boys

Go out with a pal................................................. -5

And the pal is happily married.................................... -4

Or frighteningly single........................................... -7

And he drives a Trans Am.......................................... -10

With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED)..................... -15

You have a few beers.............................................. -5

And miss curfew by an hour.............. -10

You get home at 3 am.............................................. -20

Smelling of booze and cheap cigars................................ -30

And not wearing any pants......................................... -40

Is that a tattoo???...............................................-200

A Night Out

You take her to a movie........................................... +2

You take her to a movie she likes................................. +4

To a movie you hate (anything with Barbara Streisand)............. +6

To a movie you like............................................... -2

It's called DeathCop 3......... -7

Which features cyborgs having sex................................. -9

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans and dogs... -15

When asked how she looks, you reply, "fine" or "nice"............. 0

You reply, "beautifull" or "gorgeous"............................. +5

You reply anything without being asked............................ +10

You notice something she did special, (hair, nails, eyelashes).... +15

You mention you like her new hairdo............................... +15

She says she had that done last week.............................. -10

Flowers

You buy her flowers only when it's expected....................... 0

You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it........ +5

You can actually name a few of them............................... +8

You can name all of them, because you hand selected them.......... +10

You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself.......... +10

And she contracts Lyme disease.................................... -25

General

You lose the directions on a trip................................. -4

You lose the direction and end up getting lost...... -10

You refuse to ask for direction................................... 0

You end up getting lost in a bad part of town..................... -15

You meet the locals up close and personal......................... -25

She finds out you lied about having a black belt.................. -60

The Big Question

She asks, "Do I look fat"?........................................ -5 (Sensitive things always start with a deficit)

You hesitate in responding........................................ -10

You pretend you didn't hear....................................... -12

You reply, "Where"?............................................... -25

You reply, "Compared to what"?.................................... -30

You reply, "But I like you that way".............................. -35

You reply, "Not for your age"..................................... -40

Communication

When she wants to talk about a problem: .......................... -5

You listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression..... 0

She realized the TV is on behind her.............................. -10

You listen, for over 30 minutes................................... +5

More than 30 minutes, without looking at the TV................... +10