If IBM made toasters...
They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight
toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.
If Xerox made toasters...
You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and
lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.
If Radio Shack made toasters...
The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy
all the parts to build your own toaster.
If Oracle made toasters...
They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when
you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant
Extension was three years away, and that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing
If Sun made toasters...
The toast would burn often, but you could get a really good cuppa Java.
Does DEC still make toasters?...
They made good toasters in the '80s, didn't they?
If Hewlett-Packard made toasters...
They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you
If Tandem made toasters...
You could make toast 24 hours a day, and if a piece got burned the toaster would
automatically toast you a new one.
If Thinking Machines made toasters...
You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time.
If Cray made toasters...
They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in
If SGI made toasters...
It would make the bread look like it was toasted. It could also transform rye to wheat
and add whatever kind of spread you could imagine, and it would slyly imply credit for
making the loaf of bread in the first place.
If Sony made toasters...
The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant
to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.
If CostCo made toasters...
They'd be really cheap, as long as you bought a six-pack of 'em.
And, of course:
If Microsoft made toasters...
Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't
have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster '95 would
weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough
electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim
to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be,
and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone
would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread
only works with their toasters.