CONGRESS PASSES AMERICANS WITH NO ABILITIES ACT
WASHINGTON, DC--On Tuesday, Congress approved the Americans With No Abilities Act,
sweeping new legislation that provides benefits and protection for more than 135 million
talentless Americans. The act, signed into law by President Clinton shortly after its
passage, is being hailed as a major victory for the millions upon millions of US citizens
who lack any real skills or uses.
"Roughly 50 percent of Americans--through no fault of their own--do not possess
the talent necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said
Clinton, a longtime ANA supporter. Their lives are futile hamster-wheel existences of
unrewarding, dead-end busywork: Xeroxing documents written by others, filling in
mail-in rebates for Black & Decker toaster ovens, and processing bureaucratic forms
that nobody will ever see. Sadly, for these millions of non-abled Americans, the American
dream of working hard and moving up through the ranks is simply not a reality."
Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million important- sounding
"middle man" positions will be created in the white-collar sector for nonabled
persons, providing them with an illusory sense of purpose and ability. Mandatory,
non-performance-based raises and promotions will also be offered to create a sense of
upward mobility for even the most unremarkable, utterly replaceable employees.
The legislation also provides corporations with incentives to hire non-abled workers,
including tax breaks for those who hire one non-Aryan worker for every two talented new
hires. Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act also contains tough new measures to
prevent discrimination against the non- abled by banning prospective employers from asking
such job-interview questions as, "What can you bring to this organization?" and
"Do you have any special skills that would make you an asset to this company?"
"As a non-abled person, I frequently find myself unable to keep up with
co->workers who have something going for them," said Elaine Gertz, who lost her
position as an unessential filing clerk at a Cleveland tile wholesaler last month because
of her lack of notable skills. "This new law should really help people like
With the passage of the Americans With No Abilities Act, Gertz and millions of other
untalented, nonessential citizens can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. Said
Clinton: "It is our duty, both as lawmakers and as human beings, to provide each and
every American citizen, regardless of his or her of value to society, some sort of space
to take up in this great nation.