The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it. -- Ann Bancroft

Any husband who says. "My wife and I are completely equal partners," is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge. -- Bill Cosby

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. --Benjamin Franklin

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. -- HennyYoungman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. -- Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. -- Milton Berle

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. -- George Burns

When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking. -- Elaine Boosler

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake." -- Henny Youngman

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. -- Phyllis Diller

My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping. -- Rita Rudner

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. -- Henny Youngman

People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman. -- Erma Bombeck

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you. "The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.