YOM KIPPUR |
THE SUPERBOWL |
| Proceeded by ten days of repentance, during which you learn about the
faults of people around you. |
Proceeded by two weeks of hype, during which you learn about the faults of
obscure athletes. |
| Fasting Purifies the soul. |
Snacking clogs the arteries. |
| Observant Jews worldwide stand and chant following the cues of their
religous leaders. |
Football fans worldwide stand and cheer following the cues of John Madden. |
| Kol Nidre. |
Pre-Game Show. |
| Carrying money is forbidden. |
Billions of dollars gambled. |
| Everyone wants to know who shall be enscribed in the Book of Life. |
Everyone wants to know who'll be enscribed in the NFL Record Book. |
| Story of Jonah eaten by the whale retold each Yom Kippur. |
Story of Tarkenton eaten by the Pittsburgh defense retold each Super Bowl. |
| Millions of Jews attend services only on this day. |
Millions of people watch football only on this day. |
| Five separate services, lasting from 9:30 AM to sunset. |
Pre-Game show, Game and Post-Game show, lasting from 9:30 AM to 10:PM |
| Ends with final shofar blast, followed by lame benidiction corks, from
Rabbi. |
Ends with popping of champagne followed by lame phone call from President. |
| Overpriced tickets. |
Overpriced tickets. |
| Wearing of leather shoes forbidden. |
Holding of pigskin encouraged. |
| People who observe it gently patronized by mainstream society as "our
Jewish Friends". |
People who ignore it gently patronized by mainstream society as "out
of touch geeks". |
| Key prayers repeated over and over. |
Key plays shown over and over using super slo-mo. |
| Dropping Torah scroll -- 40 days fast. |
Dropping football - 40 years as Super Scapegoat. |
| Traditional Jews forbid women from being called to the Torah. |
Traditional football coaches forbid women from their locker rooms. |
| Break the fast with a glass of wine. |
End the game by pouring Gatorade over winning coach. |
| Wailing in agony over your misdeeds. |
Wailing in agony over referee's miscalls. |
| Follows New Year. |
Follows New Year. |
| Congregants wear tallisim. |
Players wear shoulder pads. |
| Jews beat themselves on the chest. |
Players pat teammates on ass. |
