BLOW JOB .... RULES.... AS STATED BY MOST WOMEN

(Answers.....as stated by most men)

"Rebuttal from most SANE women"

1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.

(Remember that when you want to be held after sex...we're not  obligated to do THAT.)

"Let's not forget who has the 'YES or NO' power. Us Women hold the key! Play your cards wrong and no repeat nookie for you "

2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.

(Ditto.)

"We always are, unlike you swines"

3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.

(But women expect men to put their faces WHERE?)

"Only if the man is a superior lover which obviously your not"

4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.

(If you aren't going to swallow the food, don't bother chewing it up first.)

"ahhhhh...so teeth are ok?"

5. My ears are NOT handles.

(Yet we're not supposed to complain when you crush our necks with your  legs while we're having a "tuna sandwich?")

"Be a REAL man would you? Take the crushing and like it! As far as the Tuna Sandwich goes I don't know what kind of stanky women you go with but a little hygiene goes a long way. Dove or scented neutragina works wonders."

6. Extension to rule #5 -- do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?

(Linda Lovelace you AIN'T, babe. And, in some cases, puke would be preferable to your ugly lips.)

"Listen up, needle dick I don't see you in casting calls for Porno movies."

7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.

(Then don't expect us to be amused by that noise made by air which  has become trapped inside you during sex.)

" You mean the Knart/Quief....caused by the uncoordinated incessant pumping you call love making?"

8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" -- get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit, so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU don't want sex  right now.

(Cry me a river. It's not like you haven't been doing that every  month since puberty - DEAL WITH IT.)

"Go back to your own days of puberty and start jerking off instead and leave us the f_ck alone! Oh yeah, you are all still in puberty and doing that anyway."

9. Extension to #8 -- "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school   girls-- if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.

(Of course it worked with high school girls; they had not yet had time  to become self-absorbed, domineering women of the '90s.)

"You men made us become domineering because of your subservient, sniveling whimpy attitudes. What choice did we have?"

10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't  tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.

(Don't ask for honesty and then complain if you get it.)

"Who asked for a peanut gallery comment?"

11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games, smoke a cigarette, watch TV ... etc. ... immediately afterwards, is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the  future.

(Careful; we'll pout until we get what we want. And we know very well  how to pout - we learned it from you!)

"Who came first, Adam last time I looked."

12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.

(You might have gotten no argument on this one if that crack about gratitude hadn't crept in. Blow jobs are not cause for worship,  ladies.)

"I guess you haven't met the right woman or you'd be bowing so low you'd be able to blow yourself!"

13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about  the protein content.

(We don't particularly care how it tastes. We eat your cooking  without complaining, do we not?)

"Then cook your own meals Jerky"

14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV, smoke a cigarette,  drink, etc.....

(Any other conditions, your Grace?)

"Well now that you've asked, "Oh great one" is preferable to "your Grace". We like this most during meal time."

15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.

(You stop discussing your sex lives with your girlfriends, we stop discussing ours with our buddies.)

"I'm sure anyone dating you would have NOTHING to discuss"

16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning."

(In that case, move around and kiss the other side instead.)