What follows is a true story...
MOM'S DILEMMA (THE PENIS STORY)
From Parent's Magazine
Jordan, my 3-year-old son, has expressed an insatiable curiosity about human anatomy,
more specifically, the male anatomy. This completely innocent curiosity recently led to
the most embarrassing moment of my entire life!
A few weeks ago, our family chose to sit in the front row at Mass on a Sunday (a choice
which to this day I cannot justify nor rationalize, and will never again repeat). During
the homily, when the priest was speaking and everyone was oh so quiet that you could hear
a pin drop, Jordan decided that it would be [a good time to] examine himself and ask
questions which he deemed appropriate. Being 3, Jordan has not leaned the difference
between whispering and speaking in his normal loud voice, notwithstanding the fact that I
have spent many hours lecturing him about the proper use of "library voices."
The conversation went like this: Jordan (loud voice): "Mom, look at my penis, it's
standing up"' Mom (library voice, whispering, attempting to distract): "That's
interesting, dear. Let's read this book I brought for you about how Jesus loves all the
Jordan (even louder voice): "But Mom, I can't get my penis to go back down. It's
coming out of my pants! Look, Dad!" Dad (very stem and serious): "Jordan, be
quiet, we're at Mass!" Jordan (very upset now): "Mom, look at my penis!"
Justine (my 9-year-old daughter, whispering but clearly agitated): "Mom, make him be
quiet, take him out!" Mom (continuing the facade of a calm and collected voice, still
whispering and smiling): "Jordan, look at these great blocks Mom brought for you to
build with." Jordan (louder and more insistent): "Mom, why is it sticking
up?" Then, without waiting for an answer (as if I had one), Jordan began talking to
his penis. Jordan (very loud, in a commanding voice): "Penis, go back down where you
belong and stop bugging me!" At this point, I was trying to grab Jordan to take him
out, and at the same time cover his mouth. Too late. The damage had been done. I heard
chuckling and laughter from the pews around us, and I noticed a distinct break in the
priest's homily as he obviously mulled over this very unexpected addition to his sermon.
My daughter was hanging her head and shaking it, and my husband rolled his eyes and
mouthed the words "Get him out of here." My face was three shades of red as I
led Jordan out down the long aisle and listened to him continually repeat the same
inquiry: "Mom, why won't it go down?" Never before, never since, nor never again
will there be a more embarrassing moment for me.
Julie A. Gonzales, Sacramento