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>   December 14, 1972

>   My dearest darling John:
>   Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real
>   Partridge in a Pear Tree?  How can I ever express my pleasure.
>   Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.

>                                My love always,
>                                 Agnes

>   December 15, 1972

>   Dearest John:
>   Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two
>   turtle doves.  I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift.
>   They are just adorable.

>                             All my love,
>                                 Agnes

>   December 16, 1972

>   Dear John:
>   Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one.  Now I must protest.  I
>   don't deserve such generosity, three French hens.  They are just
>   darling but I  must insist, you've been too kind.

>                            All my love,
>                                 Agnes

>   December 17, 1972

>   Dear John:
>   Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they
>   are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are
>   being too romantic.

>                             Affectionately,
>                                 Agnes

>   December 18, 1972

>   Dearest John:
>   What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings,
>   one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it.
>   Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my
>   nerves.

>                                 All my love,
>                                 Agnes

>   December 19, 1972

>   Dear John:
>   When I opened the door today there were actually six geese
>   laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh?
>   These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors
>   are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket.
>   Please stop.
>                                 Cordially,
>                                 Agnes

>   December 20, 1972

>   John:
>   What's with you and those freaking birds??  Seven swans a
>   swimming. What kind of damn joke is this?  There's bird poop all
>   over the house and they never stop the racket.  I can't sleep at
>   night and I'm a nervous wreck.  It's not funny.  So stop those
>   freaking birds.

>                             Sincerely,
>                               Agnes

>   December 21, 1972

>   O.K. Buster:
>   I think I prefer the birds.  What the hell am I going to do with
>   8 maids a milking?  It's not enough with all those birds and 8
>   maids a milking, but they had to bring their damn cows. There is
>   manure all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just
>   lay off me, smartass.
>                                 Agnes

>   December 22, 1972

>   Hey Shithead:
>   What are you?  Some kind of sadist?  Now there's nine pipers
>   playing. And Christ do they play.  They've never stopped chasing
>   those maids since they got here yesterday morning.  The cows are
>   getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching 
>  birds.
>   What am I going to do?  The neighbors have started a petition to
>   evict me.

>                                You'll get yours !
>                                 Agnes

>   December 23, 1972

>   You rotten prick:
>   Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those
>   sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long.
>   Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living
>   room is a river of shit.  The Commissioner of Buildings has
>   subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned.

>                               I'm calling the police on you !
>                                 Agnes

>   December 24, 1972

>   Listen Fuckhead:
>   What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and
>   ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers
>   ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the
>   cows. All twenty-three of the birds are dead.  They've been
>   trampled to death in the orgy.  I hope you're satisfied, you
>   rotten vicious swine.
>                                 Your sworn enemy,
>                                 Agnes

>   December 25, 1972

>   Dear Sir:

>   This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers
>   fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss
>  Agnes

>  McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence
>   should come to our attention.  If you should attempt to reach Miss
>   McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been
>   instructed to shoot you on sight.
>   With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

>                                 Cordially,
>                                 Law Offices of
>                                 Badger, Bender and Chole

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