12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS DIARY
> December 14, 1972
>
> My dearest darling John:
> Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real
> Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure.
> Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.
>
>
My love always,
>
Agnes
>
>
> December 15, 1972
>
> Dearest John:
> Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two
> turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift.
> They are just adorable.
>
>
All my love,
>
Agnes
>
> December 16, 1972
>
> Dear John:
> Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I
> don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just
> darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.
>
>
All my love,
>
Agnes
>
>
> December 17, 1972
>
> Dear John:
> Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they
> are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are
> being too romantic.
>
>
Affectionately,
>
Agnes
>
> December 18, 1972
>
> Dearest John:
> What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings,
> one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it.
> Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my
> nerves.
>
>
All my love,
>
Agnes
>
>
> December 19, 1972
>
> Dear John:
> When I opened the door today there were actually six geese
> laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh?
> These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors
> are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket.
> Please stop.
>
Cordially,
>
Agnes
>
> December 20, 1972
>
> John:
> What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a
> swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird poop all
> over the house and they never stop the racket. I can't sleep at
> night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop those
> freaking birds.
>
>
Sincerely,
>
Agnes
>
>
> December 21, 1972
>
> O.K. Buster:
> I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with
> 8 maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8
> maids a milking, but they had to bring their damn cows. There is
> manure all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just
> lay off me, smartass.
>
Agnes
>
>
> December 22, 1972
>
> Hey Shithead:
> What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers
> playing. And Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing
> those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are
> getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching
> birds.
> What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to
> evict me.
>
>
You'll get yours !
>
Agnes
>
>
> December 23, 1972
>
> You rotten prick:
> Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those
> sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long.
> Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living
> room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has
> subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned.
>
>
I'm calling the police on you !
>
Agnes
>
>
> December 24, 1972
>
> Listen Fuckhead:
> What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and
> ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers
> ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the
> cows. All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They've been
> trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you
> rotten vicious swine.
>
Your sworn enemy,
>
Agnes
>
>
> December 25, 1972
>
> Dear Sir:
>
> This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers
> fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss
> Agnes
>
> McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence
> should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss
> McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been
> instructed to shoot you on sight.
> With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
>
>
Cordially,
>
Law Offices of
>
Badger, Bender and Chole
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