THE ULTIMATE CHAIN LETTER
Hello, my name is Alfonso Merkin. I am suffering from rare and deadly diseases, poor
scores on final exams, lack of sexual activity, fear of being kidnapped and executed by
anal electrocution, and guilt for not sending out 50 billion f---ing forwards sent to me
by people who actually believe that if you send them, that poor 6 year old girl in
Arkansas with lung cancer brought on by second-hand smoke from the cigarettes smoked by
the big bad men who kidnapped her and took pornographic pictures of her for use on their
child pornography web site will get 6 f---ing cents every time you send me the letter. Do
you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone you send
"his" email to $1000? How f---ing stupid are you?
Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by every
Victoria's Secret model in the catalog! What a bunch of bullshit. So basically, this
message is a big F--- Y-- to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than
to send me stupid chain mail forwards. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come
into my apartment and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was
started by Jesus in 5 A.D. and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the
Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2000, it'll be in the Guinness Book of World
Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity. F--- them. If you're going to
forward something, at least send something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send
this to 50 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will
somehow receive a nickel from some 'omniscient being'" forwards about 90 times. I
don't f---ing care. Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually
contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances are it's your own unpopularity.
P.S. Please forward this to at least 50 of your best friends!
THE FOUR BASIC TYPES OF CHAIN LETTERS:
Chain Letter Type 1: (scroll down)
Make a wish!!!
Really, go on and make one!!!
Oh please, they'll never go out with you!!!
Wish something else!!
Not that, you pervert!!
Is your finger getting tired yet?
Wasn't that fun? Hope you made a great wish. Now, to make you feel guilty, here's what
I'll do. First of all, if you don't send this to 5096 people in the next 5 seconds, you
will be raped by a mad goat and then thrown off a high building into a pile of manure.
It's true! Because, THIS letter isn't like all of those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!!
Really!!! Here's how it goes:
*Send this to 1 person: One person will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid
*Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid
*Send this to 5-10 people: 5-10 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid
*Send this to 10-20 people: 10-20 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a
stupid chain letter.
Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!
Chain Letter Type 2
Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a starving little
boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs, no parents, and no goats. This
little boy's life could be saved, because for every time you pass this on, a dollar will
be donated to the Little Starving Legless Armless Goatless Boy from
Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund. Remember, we have no way of counting letters sent and this
is all bull. So go on, reach out. Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a
reminder - if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly. Thanks
Chain Letter Type 3
Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is
absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not as many little 8
year olds writing chain letters. So this is how it works. Pass this on to 15,067 people in
the next 7 minutes or something horrible will happen to you like:
Queer Horror Story #1
Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had recently recieved this
letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in the sidewalk, fell into the sewer,
was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of shit, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not
only did she smell nasty, she died. This Could Happen To You!!!
Queer Horror Story #2
Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored it. Later that
day, he was hit by a car and so was his boyfriend (hey, some people swing that way). They
both died and went to hell. They continued to suffer in hell where they were both cursed
to eat adorable kittens every day for eternity. This Could Happen To You!!! Remember, you
could end up like Pinsley and Bip did. Just send this letter to all of your loser friends,
and everything will be Ok.
Chain Letter Type 4
As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to every one of your
-A friend is someone who is always at your side,
-A friend is someone who likes you even though you smell like poop,
-A friend is someone who likes you even though you're disgustingly ugly,
-A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you've soiled yourself,
-A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about your loser life,
-A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think you should be raped
by a mad goat and then thrown to vicious dogs,
-A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet and vacuums and then gets the check and leaves
and doesn't speak much English, no sorry that's the cleaning lady,
-A friend is not someone who sends you chain letters because he wants his wish of being
rich to come true. Now pass this on! If you don't, you'll be eaten by wild mutts!
There. Now that we've covered and dumped on the four main types of chain letters, onto the
ironic part. In order for this to get any popularity, send it on!!! If you don't think it
was funny at all, don't bother, but otherwise forward this sucker to everyone you know!!
If you don't, I don't care, but why not show this around? Take two minutes and forward it.
Thanks! Remember, the moral of the story is, if you get a chain letter, ignore it.
If it's a joke or something, send it, sure, but if it's gonna make people feel guilty
(i.e. the willieless boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen) or nervous (i.e. Miranda Pinsley
who ended up in a waterfall of turds) just delete it. Do yourself a favor, and everyone
else in the world, and say:
"#$@% CHAIN LETTERS!!"