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HOW TO TORMENT YOUR EMPLOYEES
1. Never trust anybody, especially your employees. Pay surprise visits when people call
in sick. Make sure they're really home. Take their temperatures.
2. Take credit for your employees' good ideas and hard work. Don't recognize their
3. Stick to your guns. Being decisive is more important than learning from your mistakes.
Changing your mind is a sign of weakness. Other points of view just undermine your
4. Don't train your employees. Make it difficult or impossible for them to get other jobs
or to do theirs with skill and enjoyment.
5. Reward punctuality and diligence above innovation and ingenuity. Employees' noses
should be kept (a) clean, and (b) to the grindstone, not (c) "poking around in things
that don't concern them." Which brings us to:
6. Keep secrets. Employees don't need to know about your company's mission and goals, its
financial condition or even its day-to-day operation. Have lots of closed-door meetings;
emerge looking mysterious and self-important.
7. Keep business and personal matters separate. Tell your employees to leave their
problems at home. Reward long hours and penalize people who would rather spend evenings
with the family than the photocopier. Forbid personal phone calls. Quash budding romances,
discourage friendships and for heaven's sake don't have a company picnic.
8. Run a tight ship. Monitor everything: e-mail, pencils, photocopies (especially around
tax time). No coffee at the desk (easily discouraged by charging 50 cents a cup).
9. Make clear distinctions between senior staff and hourly wage-earners. Regarding the
latter, don't trouble to learn their names. Call the women "honey" and the men
"boy." Regarding the former, take frequent long, liquor-laden lunch breaks with
10. Pay minimum wage. Don't promote. Don't be concerned about high turnover. When your
employees go on strike, outsource everything overseas, where laborers know their place and
there are plenty of 9-year-olds looking for jobs.
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