BUILDING NOAH'S ARK TODAY

And the Lord spoke to Noah and Said: "I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water. But I want to save a few good people and two, one male and one female, of every living thing on the planet." In a flash of lightening he delivered the specifications for the construction of the Ark. "Okay," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints. "Six months, and it will start to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have my Ark completed or learn how to swim for a very long time." And six months passed. The sky began to darken with clouds and the rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping, and there was no Ark! "Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?" A lightening bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah. Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code. I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected, claiming I was in violation of the zoning code by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission." Then I had a big problem getting enough wood to build the Ark, because there is a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to try to convince the US Fish and Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the owls. They also would not allow me to catch the owls, so we have no owls for the Ark. Then the Carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we have two dozen carpenters doing the work of ten, not enough wood to complete the Ark and still no Owls! Then I started gathering up the animals and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plain. I sent them a globe. Right now I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire. Also, I'm running short on funds since the IRS seized all of my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about some kind of use tax. The Federal Government has now classified the Ark as a yacht, thereby making it subject to an exorbitant luxury tax. I really don't think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years." Noah wailed. The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled, "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked hopefully. "No," said the Lord sadly, "government already has."