I've learned that you cannot make someone  love you. All you can do is   stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care,  some people are just assholes.

I've learned that it takes years to build up  trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to  destroy it.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for  about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd  better have a big dick or huge tits.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare  yourself to others - they are  more fucked up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep puking long  after you think you're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible for what  we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and  steamy a relationship is at first, the  passion fades, and there had better  be a lot of money to take its place.

I've learned that sometimes the people you  expect to kick you when you're down will  be the ones who do.

I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad  friends because their dysfunction makes  us feel better about ourselves.

I've learned that no matter how you try to  protect your children, they will eventually  get arrested and end up in the local paper.

I've learned that the people you care most  about in life are taken from you too soon  and all the less important ones  just never go away.

I've learned to say "Fuck 'em if they can't  take a joke" in 6 languages.

Pass this along to 5 friends...trust me,  they'll appreciate it. Who knows,   maybe something good will happen. If not... tough shit.