I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve
Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the
earth, my contract was re-negotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now
serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of
the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in
mind. However, I'm certain your children will be in good hands with your local replacement
who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South
Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there
are a few differences between us.
Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun
rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and
pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a
little snuff though, so please have an empty spit cup handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer.
I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now
overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..." when Bubba
Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and
Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are
likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam
safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off" The last I heard it also
had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is a Ford or Chevy logo with lights
that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee
wee on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and
"It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area.
Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit
IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing
into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the
kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like "Rudolph The
Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." This
year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South.
Those song titles will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox" and
"Grandma Got Run'd Over by a Reindeer."
Santa Claus (member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)