If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman.

If you don't you are not a man.

If you praise her, she thinks you are sucking up.

If you don't, you are self-centered and aren't noticing her enough.

If you agree to all her likes, you are a wuss because you let her control you.

If you don't, you are selfish and just don't understand her needs.

If you visit her too often, she thinks you are boring.

If you don't visit her often enough, you are inattentive.

If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy.

If you are not well-dressed, she says you are a slob.

If you are jealous, she says that is bad.

If you are not, she thinks you don't love her.

If you attempt "romance," she says you don't respect her.

If you don't, she wonders why you think something is wrong with her.

If you are a minute late, she complains of the wait.

If she is an hour late, she says, "That's a girl's way."

If you flirt with another woman, she accuses you of being unfaithful.

If she flirts with another man, she says, "Oh, it's only natural for women."

If you kiss her too often, she says "You are smothering me!"

If you don't kiss her often enough, she thinks you are a cold fish.

If you stare at others, she calls you a clod.

If she stares at others, she is only "admiring."

If she talks, she wants you to listen