This Poor Innocent Guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca College.
For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from Westchester and also
goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had the courage.
Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and musters up the courage to ask
her out. She accepts, and they make dinner plans for Saturday night. Friday night, this
guy goes out with all of his buddies, and drinks like prohibition is coming back.
Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he can't make it through twenty minutes without
either throwing up or using the bathroom. After several hours of this, he is able to stop
throwing up, but he is still running to the toilet every 20 minutes. He doesn't want to
cancel the date, because he's afraid he won't ever talk to her again. So they meet in
Westchester, and take the train to New York City (about a 30-minute ride). They get to the
restaurant, and he excuses himself during the appetizers to use the bathroom. They enjoy
the rest of the appetizers without interruption, but he has to go back again during the
entrees. They decide to get dessert. During dessert, our hero feels another rumbling, but
doesn't want to look like a complete bathroom freak, so he holds it. After a few minutes,
the rumbling subsides, but he still has a bit of gas stored up. He decides to let this
little bit of gas fly right there at the table (discreetly, of course). Unfortunately,
this little bit of gas came with another little surprise. "Oh crap," he thinks
(and feels). Instead of running to the bathroom right away, our hero immediately leans on
the arms of his chair to keep from sitting on this surprise.
He maintains this yoga position for the rest of dessert, trying to figure out what to
do before his tan pants (a) start to smell, or (b) start to show stains on the outside. He
quickly pays for dinner and they leave the restaurant. Oh, by the way, he is walking like
a cowboy. On the way to the train station, they pass the Gap. "Do you mind if I run
in and buy a sweater that I was looking at last week?" he asks. "No problem, I'd
like to look around too," she replies. They go into the Gap. Fortunately, at the Gap,
men's fashions are on the right, women's fashions are on the left. They split up.
Our hero grabs the first sweater within reach, and hurries back to the khakis. After
selecting a pair that most closely resemble his current outfit, he brings both items to
the register. His eyes are on his date (still on the other side of the store) to make sure
that she doesn't see him buying the pants. He doesn't even want the sweater, so he says
through clenched teeth (just in case his date can read lips from 40 feet away) "Just
the pants." "What?" asks the Gap girl. "Just the pants!" (Eyes
still trained on his date.) Gap girl: "Oh, OK." He pays for the pants and walks
over to his date, then they leave the store. They board the train just before it leaves
the station and find two seats in the middle of the car. Without sitting down, our hero
excuses himself and walks to the bathroom in the back of the car. He gets to the bathroom
as the train departs, and quickly rips off his pants and boxer shorts. He rolls them into
a ball and throws them out the window. After cleaning himself off, he opens the Gap bag
and pulls out...just the sweater.