Good: Your wife is pregnant.

Bad: It's triplets

Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago

Good: Your wife's not talking to you

Bad: She wants a divorce

Ugly: She's a lawyer

Good: Your son is finally maturing

Bad: He's involved with the woman next door

Ugly: So are you.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room

Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.

Ugly: You're in them

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids

Bad: You can't find your birth control pills

Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them

Good: Your husband understands fashion

Bad: He's a cross-dresser

Ugly: He looks better than you

Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter

Bad: She keeps interrupting

Ugly: With corrections

Good: The postman's early

Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun

Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas

Good: Your son is dating someone new

Bad: It's another man

Ugly: He's your best friend

Good: Your daughter got a new job

Bad: As a hooker

Ugly: Your co - workers are her best clients