To: All staff, Los Alamos National Laboratory
From: Bill Richardson, Secretary of Energy
Dear staff members:
Due to an unfortunate overreaction by the Republican Congress to our minor difficulties
in the security area, we're being forced to tighten up just a bit.
1. The brown paper bag in which we store the computer disk drives that contain the
nation's nuclear secrets will no longer be left on the picnic table at the staff
commissary during lunch hour. It will be stored in "the vault." I know this is
an inconvenience to many of you, but it's a sad sign of the times.
2. The three-letter security code for accessing "the vault" will no longer be
"B-O-B." To confuse would-be spies, that security code will be reversed. Please
don't tell anybody.
3. Visiting scientists and graduate students from Libya, North Korea and mainland China
will no longer be allowed to wander the hallways without proper identification. Beginning
Monday, they will be required to wear a stick-on lapel tag that clearly states,
"Hello, My Name Is . . . ."The stickers will be available at the front desk.
4. The computer network used for scientific calculations will no longer be hyper linked
via the Internet to such Web sites as www.moammar.com, www.swedechicks.com, or
www.hackers-r-us.com. Links to all Disney sites will be maintained, however.
5. Researchers bearing a security clearance of Level 5 and higher will no longer be
permitted to exchange updates on their work by posting advanced-physics formulas on the
men's room walls.
6. On "Bowling Night," please check your briefcases and laptop computers at
the front counter of the Bowl-a-Drome instead of leaving them in the cloakroom. Mr.
Badonov, the front-counter supervisor, has promised to "keep un eye on zem" for
7. Staff members will no longer be allowed to take home small amounts of plutonium,
iridium or uranium for use in those "little weekend projects around the house."
That includes you parents who are helping the kids with their science fair projects.
8. Thermonuclear devices may no longer be checked out for "recreational use."
We've not yet decided if exceptions will be made for Halloween, the Fourth of July or New
Year's Eve. We'll keep you posted.
9. Employees may no longer "borrow" the AA batteries from the burglar alarm
system to power their Game Boys and compact-disc players during working hours.
10. And, finally, when reporting for work each day, all employees must enter through
the front door. Raoul, the janitor, will no longer admit employees who tap three times on
the side door to avoid clocking in late. I know this crackdown might seem punitive and
oppressive to many of you, but it is our sworn duty to protect the valuable national
secrets that have been entrusted to our care.
Remember: Security isn't a part-time job-it's an imperative, all 37 1/2 hours of the