This is a letter sent to a Bank in the US. The Bank thought it amusing enough to
publish in the New York Times.
Dear Sir,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing the cheque with which I endeavored to pay my
plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between
his presenting the cheque, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement
which, I admit, has only been in place seven or eight years. You are to be commended for
seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50 by way
of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the
manner in which this incident has caused me to re-think my errant financial ways. You have
set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by
these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 1999, taking as my model
the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater
compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it.
To this end, please be advised about the following changes:
First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and
letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing,
pre-recorded, faceless entity, which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose
only to deal with a flesh and blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will,
therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque,
addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you must
nominate. You will be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other
person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status, which
I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in
order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no
alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a
Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation
(income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due
course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in all
dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have
modelled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your
phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone
system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My Authorised Contact at your
bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will
be answered by an automated voice. By pressing Buttons on the phone, he/she will be guided
through an extensive set of menus:
1. To make an appointment to see me
2. To query a missing repayment
3. To make a general complaint or inquiry
4. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there; Extension of living room
to be communicated at the time the call is received.
5. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping. Extension of bedroom to be
communicated at the time the call is received.
6. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. Extension of
toilet to be communicated at the time the call is received.
7. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home.
8. To leave a message on my computer: To leave a message a password to access my
computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the contact.
9. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through to 9 The
contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the
duration. This month I've chosen a refrain from The Best Of Woody Guthrie. "Oh, the
banks are made of marble with a guard at every door and the vaults are filled with silver
that the miners sweated for" After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will
probably know it off by heart.
On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed
out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost; a cost which you have
always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back.
First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee
of $20 per page. Enquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at $5 per minute of
my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the
penalty for the dishonoured cheque, will be passed back to you. My new phone service runs
at 75 cents a minute (even Woody Guthrie doesn't come for free), so you would be well
advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but again following
your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new
arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your humble client.
