Jim Lehrer: Welcome to the second presidential debate between Vice President Al Gore
and Gov. George W. Bush. The candidates have agreed on these rules: I will ask a question.
The candidate will ignore the question and deliver rehearsed remarks designed to appeal to
undecided women voters. The opponent will then have one minute to respond by trying to
frighten senior citizens into voting for him. When a speaker's time has expired, I will
whimper softly while he continues to spew incomprehensible statistics for three more
minutes. Let's start with the vice president. Mr. Gore, can you give us the name of a
downtrodden citizen and then tell us his or her story in a way that strains the bounds of
Gore: As I was saying to Tipper last night after we tenderly made love the way we have
so often during the 30 years of our rock-solid marriage, the downtrodden have a clear
choice in this election. My opponent wants to cut taxes for the richest 1 percent of
Americans. I, on the other hand, want to put the richest 1 percent in an iron clad lockbox
so they can't hurt old people like Roberta Frampinhamper, who is here tonight. Mrs.
Frampinhamper has been selling her internal organs, one by one, to pay for gas so that she
can travel to these debates and personify problems for me. Also, her poodle has arthritis.
Lehrer: Gov. Bush, your rebuttal.
Bush: Governors are on the front lines every day, hugging people, crying with them,
relieving suffering anywhere a photo opportunity exists. I want to empower those crying
people to make their own decisions, unlike my opponent, whose mother is not Barbara Bush.
Lehrer: Let's turn to foreign affairs. Gov. Bush, if Slobodan Milosevic were to launch
a bid to return to power in Yugoslavia, would you be able to pronounce his name?
Bush: The current administration had eight years to deal with that guy and didn't get
it done. If I'm elected, the first thing I would do about that guy is have Dick Cheney
confer with our allies. And then Dick would present me several options for dealing with
that guy. And then Dick would tell me which one to choose. You know, as governor of Texas,
I have to make tough foreign policy decisions every day about how we're going to deal with
Lehrer: Mr. Gore, your rebuttal.
Gore: Foreign policy is something I've always been keenly interested in. I served my
country in Vietnam. I had an uncle who was a victim of poison gas in World War I. I myself
lost a leg in the Franco-Prussian War. And when that war was over, I came home and
tenderly made love to Tipper in a way that any undecided woman voter would find romantic.
If I'm entrusted with the office of president, I pledge to deal knowledgeably with any
threat, foreign or domestic, by putting it in an iron clad lockbox. Because the American
people deserve a president who can comfort them with simple metaphors.
Lehrer: Vice President Gore, how would you reform the Social Security system?
Gore: It's a vital issue, Jim. That's why Joe Lieberman and I have proposed changing
the laws of mathematics to allow us to give $50,000 to every senior citizen without having
it cost the federal treasury a single penny until the year 2250. In addition, my budget
commits $60 trillion over the next 10 years to guarantee that all senior citizens can have
drugs delivered free to their homes every Monday by a federal employee who will also help
them with the child-proof cap.
Lehrer: Gov. Bush?
Bush: That's fuzzy math. I know, because as governor of Texas, I have to do math every
day. I have to add up the numbers and decide whether I'm going to fill potholes out on Rt.
36 east of Abilene or commit funds to reroof the sheep barn at the Texas state
Lehrer: It's time for closing statements.
Gore: I'm my own man. I may not be the most exciting politician, but I will fight for
the working families of America, in addition to turning the White House into a lusty pit
of marital love for Tipper and me.
Bush: It's time to put aside the partisanship of the past by electing no one but
Lehrer: Thank you and good night.