WASHINGTON D.C. - Following an emergency meeting Wednesday morning, Congress
unanimously voted to excise Florida from the United States of America.
The move was a reaction to the confusion and irregularities in the state's voting
numbers that have totally disrupted the 2000 Presidential election.
"This is the last straw," said Utah senator Orin Hatch. "First Elian
Gonzales, now this." Several congressmen told reporters the decision has been a long
time in coming.
"We're all pretty much sick of Florida," said representative Barney Frank.
"They've been a constant embarrassment for too long now." Added Frank,
"They had Dan Marino for a while, but what have they done lately? Oh that's right,
screw up our entire democracy. I forgot."
In a speech on the Senate floor, Massachusetts senator Ted Kennedy commented that the
loss of Florida's sizable elderly population will free up billions of dollars in social
security funds. "These are valuable funds which can now be redirected toward national
defense. We can finally rebuild our demoralized, weakened military," said the Senator
to roaring applause.
As a result of the Florida screw-up, the House and Senate decreed a new election will
take place in early December. This time, ballots in each state will be tabulated by
robots. "It is clear that our human vote-counting system is too inherently
flawed," said Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert. "The presence of these new,
superior robot mast- err, I mean - tabulators will ensure 100% accuracy."
"Remember," said Hastert, "every vote counts, especially if it's counted
by robots." Dynamiting will begin along the Florida border next Wednesday, after
which the state will be completely geographically separated from the United States.
"After that, they're on their own," said Hastert. "I hope they sink."