NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
To the citizens of the United States of America,
In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern
yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states,
commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime
minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been
unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America
without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A
questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid
in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just
how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to
acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words
interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an
unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give
up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of
football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The
2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed
that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to
play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you
played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be
allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not
involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like
nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you
any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders
should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys.
"Merde" is French for "sh*t".
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday,
but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When
we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Thank you for your cooperation.