BREAKING NEWS: GOD OVERRULES SUPREME COURT VERDICT
Bush to be smitten later today
In a stunning development this morning, God invoked the "one nation, under
God" clause of the Pledge of Allegiance to overrule last night's Supreme Court
decision that handed the White House to George Bush. "I'm not sure where the Supreme
Court gets off," God said this morning on a rare Today Show appearance, "but I'm
sure as hell not going to lie back and let Bush get away with this."
"I've watched analysts argue for weeks now that the exact vote count in Florida
'will never be known.' Well, I'm God and I DO know exactly who voted for whom. Let's cut
to the chase: Gore won Florida by exactly 20,219 votes." Shocking political analysts
and pundits, God's unexpected verdict overrules the official Electoral College tally and
awards Florida to Al Gore, giving him a 289-246 victory. The Bush campaign is analyzing
God's Word for possible grounds for appeal.
"God's ruling is a classic over-reach," argued Bush campaign strategist Jim
Baker. "Clearly, a divine intervention in a U.S. Presidential Election is
unprecedented, unjust, and goes against the constitution of the state of Florida."
"Jim Baker's a jackass," God responded. "He's got some surprises ahead of
him, let me tell you. HOT ones, if you know what I mean." God, who provided the exact
vote counts for every Florida precinct, explained that bad balloting machinery and voter
confusion were no grounds to give the White House to "a friggin' idiot."
"Look, only 612 people in Palm Beach County voted for Buchanan. Get real! The rest
meant to vote for Gore. Don't believe me? I'll name them: Anderson, Pete; Anderson, Sam,
Jr.; Arthur, James; Barnhardt, Ron..."
Our Lord then went on to note that he was displeased with George W. Bush's prideful
ways and announced that he would officially smite him today. In an act of wrath unlike any
reported since the Book of Job, God has taken all of Bush's goats and livestock, stripped
him of his wealth and possessions, sold his family into slavery, forced the former
presidential candidate into hard labor in a salt mine, and afflicted him with deep boils.
Dick Cheney will reportedly receive leprosy.