FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
RE: Christmas Party
DATE: December 1
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December
23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but
plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing
along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 2
RE: Christmas Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize
that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though
unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday
Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this
time. Happy now?
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a
non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request,
but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous
anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy
month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and sex during daylight hours. There goes
the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not
accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your
meal until the end of the party - the days are so short this time of year - or else
package everything for take-home in little foil swans. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've
arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet
and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Did I miss anything?
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party
So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on
your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our
"earth-based Goddess-worshipping" employees, but we'll try to accommodate your
shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks. Okay???
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
Date: December 9
RE: Holiday Party
People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa
Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there
is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's a tradition,
folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or
broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up?
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 10
RE: Holiday Party
Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at
Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table
furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get
your salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings, too.
Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right
now!
FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery from her
stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanatorium.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the
afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
