RELATIONSHIPS: When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her
girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled 'All Men Are Idiots' Then she will get on
with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the breakup,
at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, 'I just called to let you know you
ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy.
But, I want you to know that there's always a chance for us.' This is known as the 'I Hate
You I Love You' drunken phone call, and 99% of all men have made it at least once. There
are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need.
LOCKER ROOMS: In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and
women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think
they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker:
sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they
MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as
adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other
wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.
MAGAZINES: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines
also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work
of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and shouldn't be seen by the light of day.
Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter
BATHROOMS: A man has five items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a
bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the
typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of the items.
GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and
buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and
a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a
man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on
Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or- less
CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick
OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist
appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret
fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the
DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the
garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and
LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of
clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before
he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt
inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always
expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of
old American sitcoms.
MIRRORS: Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror. Women are
ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons,
store windows, Joe Garagiola's head.
MENOPAUSE: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated
emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes
varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction...he buys
aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a
TOYS: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12,
they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older,
their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys:
little miniature TV's. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots
that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at
least six 'D' batteries to operate.
MOVIES: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is
because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. Men will only
show their butts, because butt size doesn't really matter.
JEWELRY: Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one
ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Ramone.
TIME: When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's using the
same meaning of time as when a man says the football game just has five minutes left.
Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.
FRIENDS: Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time. Men on a boy's night out say
about twenty words all night, most of which are 'Pass the Doritos' or Got anymore beer?'
RESTROOMS: Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as
social lounges. Men in a restroom will never speak a word to each other. Women who've